Q-Continuum

Thanks for the messages over the past few days. Yes I've been off-line for 10 days trying to resolve the sticky issue (see earlier blog entry of that name).

My partners cyclical depression reached an all time low recently leading to a reluctant but necessary demand from me. "Get some treatment or speak to someone, NOW"

To cut a very long and emotional story short - the answer was no. "Depression is part of who I am and you should be able to cope with that." Believe me I have tried, 6.5 years and an increasingly deep cycle just became too much for me to manage (for which I'm already feeling guilty).

As a result, we have a parting of the ways with all the usual pain that brings. I'm feeling that I should have been able to cope with the situation but know that it was becoming intollerable.

And to cap it all more rain just to make me feel more down. Things will improve I know but at the moment it doesn't feel like it.

Have you ever just let your mind wonder. Let it run it's course and notice the strange connections it makes without stopping as soon as one interesting thought springs to mind. I was told I should try this by a Buddhist friend of mine who claims it clears the mind and brings clarity. Well never one to look a gift Buddhist in the mouth, I gave it a go ..

I don't know if it's true for everyone, but in my youth, Sundays always had a special feel about them, a certain quality that set them apart from the rest of the week. Maybe it was the fact that you always struggled to find something to do. I can remember hating them as a child. The shops were closed, in fact most places were closed come to think of it. The television could be summarised as God - Politics - God - Tales of the Unexpected and the South Bank Show. But for all its limitations you knew where you were with Sunday.

I thought back and could picture a wintery Sunday mid afternoon. The sort of day when you didn't want to be outside in the driving rain. I could rely on the local tv station (HTV West) or farmer telly as it's known locally to supplt it's usual local content programmes in between adverts for 'Roundup' the cattle and sheep wormer. These always struck me as odd, - no weird adverts. Who in the name of little green apples was interested in cattle worming solutions on a Sunday afternoon? Or at any time come to mention it.

But then my mind tried to remember when I had last seen these types of trips into the world of animal husbandry. A thought barged in. Mark New (a friend from childhood) who had a particularly stubborn varruca on his finger. When it finally went we'd catch him staring at the place it had been as if he was trying to remember the face of a long lost friend. - That's how I started to feel about Roundup the cattle and sheep wormer. Where had it gone?

Then, without warning a torrent of memories about the programmes produced by farmer telly. Exploring the river Severn; Culture and the evolving scene in Bristol; The Kennet and Avon Canal; Strangely interesting characters from the depths of Somerset; local history and pieces on castles or ruins, coastlines or towns that made you want to explore them and find out more.

All of them - gone! including Roundup ...

Then one of those moments when the bleedin obvious hits you square between the eyes. HTV is no more either - taken over in a mass merger to form the national ITV1 Not just HTV that covered my part of the south west but other local commercial stations across the country. Now the local nature of Roundup the cattle and sheep wormer was perfectly clear. It would be gripping stuff to most of the local farmers but wouldn't butter any parsnips in London or Birmingham so now we've progressed to national programming it bites the dust.

Still at least all those awful local interest programmes have gone and are replaced with high quality mass appeal items such as X-Factor, I'm a celebrity get me out of here etc etc.  

Moral:

Buddhists know more than you think and sometime's they're scary
Bring back Roundup, the cattle and sheep wormer !

I must admit I don't feel much like blogging about the situation at present, but then I thought it may be helpful to get it out of my system. Also, when I started my blog it was for the good and bad bits so I find myself typing this morning.

To say my relationship is going through something of a sticky patch at the moment is a real under statement, - rather like calling the Atlantic a bit of a puddle. Without going into huge details my partner has a tendency to a depressive nature over the last six years which runs in cycles and seems to be repeating more frequently.  

I know this is a medical situation and I've always tried to help and be supportive. But the last two times (usually 4-5 month cycles) I've been gradually but increasingly shut out and the blame for whatever is presenting as the problem is being moved in my direction. "A" won't see a doctor or get involved with anything locally. It feels like I can't do any more without being dragged into a downer myself and that would be no use to either of us.

"A" moved here because he was fed up with his landlord, London and his job. I've done my best to help him get the job he wanted (successfully) and help as best I can with problems as they arise.

But in the last month, I've noticed another cycle starting. This one is different and I recognise that I'm the problem in his eyes this time along with the area, which he claims has nothing to do.
I can see the depressive clouds forming again. This has culminated with not being spoken to for 48hours+. My fear is that anything I do to change the situation will only be a short term fix; without being prepared to meet me half way and get some help I can't see that there is much more I can do.
 
Now I'm feeling guilty about feeling how I do when depression is a medical issue. I've had better Wednesdays.

Well that was Monday, the first day of my week off and I've managed to pick a week in which only Noah saw more rain.

That aside, I went across to Bath for the day and had one of those people watching days.

1st July 2007 in England and smoking indoors in public places (pubs,clubs,bars,restaurants,work etc) is outlawed. - Done, gone, against the law, forbidden. You get the picture. As a non smoker you would think I would be aware of this and pleased. So why do I walk into Cafe Rouge and ask if they have a no smoking table? (Schtoopid question 1)
To be fair the waitress did say she'd been asking "smoking or non smoking" all day so I felt a little less like a prize muppet, but only just.

Then I overheard a conversation - believe me you couldn't miss it. The bloke in question was on his mobile and was chatting to a friend in Dublin. Based on the volume of his voice I suspect the phone was purely decorative. I'm sure it wasn't necessary.

I heard him ask "So what makes a doctor turn into a car bomber when they're supposed to help people" (The two men who drove the burning pick-up full of gas cannisters into Glasgow airport at the weekend were both junior doctors)

It was one of those questions that made me think - so would it have been ok if they'd been plumbers then ? Of course I understand what he meant but it's stayed with me all day ... it's either deeply profound or totally stupid and now ... who knows ?