Have you ever been subject to a barrage of abuse for something over which you have absolutely no control?

I was in Bristol today and was near their main shopping centre (Broadmead) which is in the process of being knocked down and redeveloped into a new and improved version called the Cabot centre. I was aware the name was a contentious choice but wasn't prepared for the strength of feeling exhibited today.

As I walked down the road, a man was dodging from person to person coming towards me. By the time I had drawn level with him he was shouting abuse a a woman who was clearly shaken by events. I spoke to him and it became clear he was objecting to the name Cabot.

"What's wrong with it?" I asked trying to defuse the situation.. I soon heard. Cabot was a Bristol trader and explorer and (in common with many people in the city at the time) made some but not all of his money from the slave trade. I was apparently complicit with his actions for not being opposed to the use of his name. After a couple of minutes the woman and I managed to get away from the abuse being hurled at us.

I remember him shouting after us that "we were part of the nation that enslaved his forefathers and therefore kidnapped him, burned their homes and killed their children." Not a pleasant experience at all.

Having got home I turned on the television to see the most horrific scenes I had seen for many years. A young man in Nigeria who's only crime was apparently belonging to the wrong tribe being hacked to death by men weilding machettis. The nearby aid centre had been burned to the ground and one woman who escaped a burning house had her child taken from her and thrown back into the burning building.

I know I'm in a sensitive area and I would be the last person to justify any aspect of the slave trade, but I couldn't help but think that my Bristol friend hasn't got the problems faced by thousands today in Nigeria and elsewhere in Africa.

I for one will be focusing on what can be done to solve the latter rather than worrying too much about what we call a shopping centre.

New Year seems to have a naturally inbuilt element of anti-climax to it, at least for me. After a busy ten days I've spent today just winding down. Oddly though it feels like I wasted the day. I have a fair amount to get on with but just couldn't work up the effort to do anything.

I'm still looking for a local piano teacher as I'm determined to improve my playing over the next year for starters. I'm also taking a new OU course later in the year so perhaps it's just making the most of the down time I have at present.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit more active. Thanks to those of you who have sent me a 'welcome back' message they were much appreciated.

Well the 1st January seems as good a day as any for a new start.

As explanation for my old blog friends the middle to end of 2007 was hell on toast. A cancer diagnosis (now controlled) and a really nasty car accident that put me in hospital for 5 months. But thats behind me now and it's time to get on with things I think.

I have been able to read your blogs even when I couldn't type things up (or when I really didn't feel up to it) so I have kept up to speed and hope to catch up with you all.

For those of you who retained me as a friend during my absence, thank you so much. Hopefully I will be back on line and writing again - lots to catch up with.

If anyone is still in contact with Menomama who's blog seems to have disappeared I'd really appreciate a pointer in the correct direction as I miss reading her blog.

Thanks for the messages over the past few days. Yes I've been off-line for 10 days trying to resolve the sticky issue (see earlier blog entry of that name).

My partners cyclical depression reached an all time low recently leading to a reluctant but necessary demand from me. "Get some treatment or speak to someone, NOW"

To cut a very long and emotional story short - the answer was no. "Depression is part of who I am and you should be able to cope with that." Believe me I have tried, 6.5 years and an increasingly deep cycle just became too much for me to manage (for which I'm already feeling guilty).

As a result, we have a parting of the ways with all the usual pain that brings. I'm feeling that I should have been able to cope with the situation but know that it was becoming intollerable.

And to cap it all more rain just to make me feel more down. Things will improve I know but at the moment it doesn't feel like it.

Have you ever just let your mind wonder. Let it run it's course and notice the strange connections it makes without stopping as soon as one interesting thought springs to mind. I was told I should try this by a Buddhist friend of mine who claims it clears the mind and brings clarity. Well never one to look a gift Buddhist in the mouth, I gave it a go ..

I don't know if it's true for everyone, but in my youth, Sundays always had a special feel about them, a certain quality that set them apart from the rest of the week. Maybe it was the fact that you always struggled to find something to do. I can remember hating them as a child. The shops were closed, in fact most places were closed come to think of it. The television could be summarised as God - Politics - God - Tales of the Unexpected and the South Bank Show. But for all its limitations you knew where you were with Sunday.

I thought back and could picture a wintery Sunday mid afternoon. The sort of day when you didn't want to be outside in the driving rain. I could rely on the local tv station (HTV West) or farmer telly as it's known locally to supplt it's usual local content programmes in between adverts for 'Roundup' the cattle and sheep wormer. These always struck me as odd, - no weird adverts. Who in the name of little green apples was interested in cattle worming solutions on a Sunday afternoon? Or at any time come to mention it.

But then my mind tried to remember when I had last seen these types of trips into the world of animal husbandry. A thought barged in. Mark New (a friend from childhood) who had a particularly stubborn varruca on his finger. When it finally went we'd catch him staring at the place it had been as if he was trying to remember the face of a long lost friend. - That's how I started to feel about Roundup the cattle and sheep wormer. Where had it gone?

Then, without warning a torrent of memories about the programmes produced by farmer telly. Exploring the river Severn; Culture and the evolving scene in Bristol; The Kennet and Avon Canal; Strangely interesting characters from the depths of Somerset; local history and pieces on castles or ruins, coastlines or towns that made you want to explore them and find out more.

All of them - gone! including Roundup ...

Then one of those moments when the bleedin obvious hits you square between the eyes. HTV is no more either - taken over in a mass merger to form the national ITV1 Not just HTV that covered my part of the south west but other local commercial stations across the country. Now the local nature of Roundup the cattle and sheep wormer was perfectly clear. It would be gripping stuff to most of the local farmers but wouldn't butter any parsnips in London or Birmingham so now we've progressed to national programming it bites the dust.

Still at least all those awful local interest programmes have gone and are replaced with high quality mass appeal items such as X-Factor, I'm a celebrity get me out of here etc etc.  

Moral:

Buddhists know more than you think and sometime's they're scary
Bring back Roundup, the cattle and sheep wormer !

I must admit I don't feel much like blogging about the situation at present, but then I thought it may be helpful to get it out of my system. Also, when I started my blog it was for the good and bad bits so I find myself typing this morning.

To say my relationship is going through something of a sticky patch at the moment is a real under statement, - rather like calling the Atlantic a bit of a puddle. Without going into huge details my partner has a tendency to a depressive nature over the last six years which runs in cycles and seems to be repeating more frequently.  

I know this is a medical situation and I've always tried to help and be supportive. But the last two times (usually 4-5 month cycles) I've been gradually but increasingly shut out and the blame for whatever is presenting as the problem is being moved in my direction. "A" won't see a doctor or get involved with anything locally. It feels like I can't do any more without being dragged into a downer myself and that would be no use to either of us.

"A" moved here because he was fed up with his landlord, London and his job. I've done my best to help him get the job he wanted (successfully) and help as best I can with problems as they arise.

But in the last month, I've noticed another cycle starting. This one is different and I recognise that I'm the problem in his eyes this time along with the area, which he claims has nothing to do.
I can see the depressive clouds forming again. This has culminated with not being spoken to for 48hours+. My fear is that anything I do to change the situation will only be a short term fix; without being prepared to meet me half way and get some help I can't see that there is much more I can do.
 
Now I'm feeling guilty about feeling how I do when depression is a medical issue. I've had better Wednesdays.

Well that was Monday, the first day of my week off and I've managed to pick a week in which only Noah saw more rain.

That aside, I went across to Bath for the day and had one of those people watching days.

1st July 2007 in England and smoking indoors in public places (pubs,clubs,bars,restaurants,work etc) is outlawed. - Done, gone, against the law, forbidden. You get the picture. As a non smoker you would think I would be aware of this and pleased. So why do I walk into Cafe Rouge and ask if they have a no smoking table? (Schtoopid question 1)
To be fair the waitress did say she'd been asking "smoking or non smoking" all day so I felt a little less like a prize muppet, but only just.

Then I overheard a conversation - believe me you couldn't miss it. The bloke in question was on his mobile and was chatting to a friend in Dublin. Based on the volume of his voice I suspect the phone was purely decorative. I'm sure it wasn't necessary.

I heard him ask "So what makes a doctor turn into a car bomber when they're supposed to help people" (The two men who drove the burning pick-up full of gas cannisters into Glasgow airport at the weekend were both junior doctors)

It was one of those questions that made me think - so would it have been ok if they'd been plumbers then ? Of course I understand what he meant but it's stayed with me all day ... it's either deeply profound or totally stupid and now ... who knows ?

Just back from a couple of days away including a stopover in south yorkshire. One month's rain in just under 24 hours, totally ruined a row of homes opposite and no chance that the flood water will subside before the next wave of heavy rain hits over the weekend. The met office already have a weather warning in force.. We can expect a further two days of downpours on Saturday. 

I'd always thought I understood the power and devestation that flooding can cause but I was being approached by people asking to use my mobile so they could let people know they were ok - they had been evacuated from their homes and have no chance of getting back for weeks.. There are council centers but mostly people are relying on their friends and neighbours. Most of the homes are mud filled on the ground floors and their property destroyed. On one level you understand that but when you see it first hand it really hits home.

Cars had been picked up and swept away and so far there have been 5 deaths as a result of the flooding. If I'm feeling like this as an observer I can only imagine what those involved must be going through.

As a former police officer I've been following developments in the UK police with some interest but can't work out what current policy is aiming at?

This weekend, I met some former colleagues who are still in the job and I'm afraid to say it confirmed my decision to leave was correct.

Under current "thinking" serious crime should be managed by specialist agencies such as SOCA; uniformed police (pc level) shouldn't get involved in traffic matters - most traffic departments are closing and being dealt with by the new highways agency.

Similarly, more complex investigations should be handled by fewer in force central specialist units. Anti social behaviour and low level nuisance should be managed by Police community support officers and noise is now managed by local authority environmental health officers.

To add to the list, credit card fraud is now NOT the responsibility of the police to investigate but should be referred to your bank who may refer it on if they chose to. So far since April, there have been less than 60 cases of credit card fraud reported by the banks nationally. A cynic may say it's not in their interest for us to know how bad the problem is.

Finally, child protection matters should be focused towards specialist joint investigation teams and animal offences are probably handed off to the RSPCA..

Given all this .... what exactly do the police have left to do ? (And why are we all still paying as much for them to do so much less)

Apologies for those of you who may not know the current faces on the BBC, but I read an article on the way back from London that made me more angry than I have been for some time.

The two presenters shown here are Nick Ross (59) and Fiona Bruce (43) although to me their ages are not relevant. They are the anchor presenters for Crimewatch UK, a monthly hour long appeal for help on some of the country's most difficult crime cases. So what was it that made me fume like Shrek?

Well in the BBC's wisdom they have decided that this programme is so apparently youth based and culturally significant (irony) that both presenters are simply too old to be on the screen. - So forget the programme or these people in particular, its the drive for youth and bin anyone over 35 that gets me !!

To me, they both appear far from the final stages of decrepitude so what exactly is the problem ? Equally, when is too old ?

The same article told how news presenters are now too old if over 35 and two applicants for a fashion programme were turned down at 28 !

So make way for the next inexperienced embrio to honour our screens, lose others purely on a sense that they're "knocking on a bit" .. If anyone has read Logan's run it brings Carousel to mind..